Pearl Futch

Boys, we had some big doings here in the Dismal Swamps this week. Pearl Futch finally went and did it. She had been a-swearing that she was going to outshine every other gal in Beaufort County and, by cracky, she done did it. Pearl has been saving her egg money for the last 3 years. It won't nuthin to see her traipsing up and down the roads picking up bottles for the deposits. She has been canning plums, n-strawberries, n-peaches and I don't know what all to sell over to the main road in this little lean-to shanty she put up. If you wanted your garden hoed or barn cleaned out, by jimminy, you could just call on Pearl and she would have it done up right spiffy. Pearl has always been a hard worker and her no-account kin about sucked all they could out of her. I know her shiftless brother Kilgore Futch stole her money just over 3 years ago and bout himself a Simplex Motorcycle with it. I reckon Pearl's been a-saving ever since.

Well anyway, last Saturday, Pearl came into the Selma General Mercantile and Savings store (we all just call it the general store). This was about 12 noon, when most of people in the area would be getting their fixins for the following week. So here comes Pearl, sashaying along, just a pert as could be. When she got up to the group a-standing on the front porch she flashed this big old smile, and when I say flashed, I mean flashed. Pearl had done gone over to Chincapin and got herself a shiny GOLD tooth. And not just any gold tooth. This-un had a big old DIAMOND flashing and sparkling in the sunlight. It's about the most amazing tooth I have ever seen in any mouth I have ever looked at. Man, that thang shore is purdy.

We all just stood there and admired that tooth. What made it stand out more than anything else is the fact that it is the only tooth she has in her mouth. I was gonna ask her if she wanted to get married, but 4 fellers at the store done asked her. Dern it! I think she's already married 3 of them.

- Bob Gurkin