Miz Beasley Gets Religion

Miz Beasley Gets Religion

When I was a young lad my grandmother used to take me to the Dismal Swamp Baptist Church of the Holy Ghost. Later, our type of church was called a "Holy Rollers" church. I don't know if you ever saw the church scene in the movie "The Blues Brothers", but that would get somewhat close to a Holy Rollers church. One family in our church was the Beasley family. Mr and Miz Beasley and their seven or eight children. I don't recollect ever seeing the kids still enough to count, so that number is approximate. Mr Beasley stood about 5' 4" tall in his boots and was too skinny to throw a shadow. Miz Beasley was only about two or three inches taller, but she was bigger around than she was tall. When she came walking down the road you just had to stop and watch her go by. I honestly believe you could have stopped one of those Dreadnought Battleships before you could have slowed Miz Beasley. A fine, fine woman.

In the Dismal Swamps it can get awfully hot during the summer and the time I'm speaking of took place on the second Sunday of August. It had been mostly quiet in the church and Parson McCloud was speaking in "tongues" and a few of the men had started saying Amen's and some of the ladies would give out a chirp or "Oh Lawd, hep me" just another typical Dismal Sunday. In the meantime Miz Beasley had slipped out the door and made her way to the little necessary house behind the Church. After doing her business she scooped everything up and came on back into the church. Just as she slipped into the back of the aisle a bumblebee made it clear to Miz Beasley that he had gotten scooped up with everything else. I mean he made it known with a vengeance.

Well sir. You ain't never. Miz Beasley made the most blood curdling screech I have ever heard come from anyone, even including a rebel soldier. For a big woman she would have put the Olympics gymnasts to shame. She did two forward flips, a cartwheel, a backwards flip and ended up doing a really great split. The whole time she was carrying on like the spirit had hit her something fierce. I would give a hunnerd dollars if I could yodel half as good as she did whilst doing everything else. Well, you ain't heard the last of this yet. Miz Beasley sprang up from the floor and started ripping off her clothes and the members of the congregation thought that the Holy Spirit had flung itself upon her and joined in too. The yodeling, screeching, and praising God and the clothes flying through the church made Parson McCloud get right out of the mood of talking in tongues and he just held on to the podium and stood there with his mouth hanging open.

Finally, Miz Beasley had gotten down to where she just barely had enough clothes on for modesty and ran and jumped right through the only stained glass window we had and took off to the pond on a dead run with the rest of the congregation right behind her. Well heck fire, us kids never missed an opportunity to get in the water so we just came right along. Parson McCloud took the opportunity, while everyone was in the water, to baptize the entire congregation again.

I must admit that was the best Sunday I have ever spent in church!

-Bob Gurkin